Today marks three months since my life came apart. It seems like an eternity. It feels like years since I engaged in any productive work, years since I felt really relaxed and years since I felt safe. I try desperately to remember holding Kate, giving her a hug, even the sound of my own voice telling her I love her before I leave the house. But these things are lost. I can remember intellectually how they were, the joy, the comfort, the warmth. But I can’t remember the physical sensations- they are gone to me forever. I’ve heard others say that now, without their partner at their side, their previous life seems like a dream- as if they can’t be sure any of it was real. For me, it’s this new life that seems like a dream- how could this be real? I imagine myself now in a snow globe or trapped inside of some other-worldly force. If only I could bust out I would find my real life waiting for me as it should be. I know of course that’s not true, but somehow the sensation persists. I know that my previous life was real because I have the memories. While some things fade, others remain vivid. I know that I loved with all my heart and I know that I was loved unconditionally. I know that over many years we laughed and cried, celebrated and were hurt. I know that our love would have lasted for another 26 years. Today I do not believe that anyone will ever love me as Kate did, and I do not believe that I will ever love again with such abandon and recklessness. I do not believe that I will ever be whole again. Over the past month I have had two periods, each of about 3-4 days where I felt normal, calm, and at points happy. The first time was about 2 weeks ago and it was followed by a crushing wave of grief that quite literally brought me to my knees. I’m into about the 3rd day of the second period of calm and am scared about what comes next, because I believe it will come and I believe it will hurt very much when it does. When it does, if you find me stuck in bed or crying in my office or in a parking lot in my car, clean me up and give me a hug and eventually I think I will get through it again. But today the journey is more intellectual than emotional. I want to know what happened, and I want to know why. Why if the world is full of terrible people hurting others would Kate have to die? Why should her children be made to suffer the loss of their mother? Why take someone who is so loved, someone who worked hard to provide for others, someone who is desperately needed here? WHY? Can there really be some great need in heaven? Is there any real possibility that there is some divine plan that required Kate to die? If I had more faith, maybe I would be angrier- but it is a very hard time to find much faith inside myself. At three months I am aware that my emotions change more like waves rolling across an ocean, rather than storms competing to be the most violent and impactful. The resulting pain and despair feels less out of control but perhaps more oppressive because it seems so immense. I am lonely today not only because I have lost Kate, but because I have lost a piece of every part of my life. Every decision is now made alone, every meal is eaten with an empty chair, every time I check my email or voice mail I am reminded by the absence of a message of love or even of anger what is missing in my life. I want to buy her Christmas presents. I want to go with her grocery shopping. I want to tell her about what I heard on NPR. I want to talk about Kate, to tell stories and share memories. I believe it makes others uncomfortable to talk about her. I know that I make others uncomfortable. There are people in my building at work who I used to talk to regularly who have not been in my office since the funeral. A hurried hello in the halls is all I get. There are others who have not called or emailed since the funeral. Friends? I am sad- everyone needs to accept that. I may be sad for a long time, I don’t really know. But I’m not contagious- and if my tears start yours, then it probably is a good thing for both of us. Or maybe yours will start mine, and that might even be better.